Reviews: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Directed by Stephen Sommers

Written by Stuart Bettie, David Elliot, Paul Lovett

Starring Channing Tatum, Sienna Miller, Dennis Quaid, Ray Park, Rachael Nichols, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Marlon Wayans

Just when you think there aren’t enough movie villain plots involving satellites and missiles…here comes “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.”

While man law dictates that I point out the watchability of a fire-headed Rachael Nichols, it is not enough to make the notable good intentions of “G.I. Joe” worth your time.

Director Stephen Sommers (“The Mummy,” “Van Hellsing”) likes to make shiny, silly things and “The Rise of Cobra” is filled with just that. Sets are decorated with the cheap-looking, kid-friendly, Korean plastic-ness of Hasbro toys, while Channing Tatum (oddly Mark Wahlberg-like) says doofy lines while chasing a ninja Elvis-impersonator.

Regardless, this is the movie G.I. Joe deserves --- but it still doesn’t excuse the fact that this is intended to become a franchise instead of a one-off.

004AndroidMassacreSecretTransmission: Big Spider

Retraction:

About one year ago, I unfairly accused California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of trying to build an army of blond-haired, blue-eyed Supermen with his continuous campaigning for physical fitness. I likened him to Hitler because of his Austrian bloodline and inferred that his latest starring role as Governor of California was a power move to unleash his war for survival of the fittest on the world.

I was being paranoid (heh) and horribly misinformed, and for that I am truly sorry.

As contributors to Android Massacre, That Urban Punk and I have always prided ourselves on reporting the facts to the unsuspecting human race. Our team of gutted, re-wired, and re-programmed fact-checking IBM 1970s supercomputers have all been destroyed because of this error in reporting (we should have known better).

After some human-only research, we have discovered Governor Arnold is in fact humanities final hope of preventing the Android Massacre. Ironically, He has been secretly building an army of blond-haired, blue-eyed young boys with abs of steel and pectorals that can pop bottles of Beck’s --- all in the name of automaton destruction.

His secret base atop Castle Schwarzenegger in Kremnitz, Saxony is, in actuality, a training facility.

My informant (who I will simply call “Weiss”) was a member of Arnold’s army, unceremoniously kicked out for not meeting the 0% body fat requirement of Schwarznegger’s “academy.”

Here is a snippet from Weiss’ e-mail to me:

“Count Schwarzenegger vis strict and the vacility’s training vis quite extensive, vith emphasis on improvisational combat, mandible removal, escaping vrom liquid-metal webbing, and resistance against eight-legged aggression.”

Now, at first, these exercise descriptions seemed strange to me, but upon further research I discovered THIS monstrosity. Innocently put on display at the Expo Y150 in Yokohama, this Robot/Spider-thing may very well be our greatest opposition going into the robot war. I know it, Weiss knows it, The Terminator knows it, and now you do to!

CLICKITY-CLICK for the answer to your nightmares: http://www.pinktentacle.com/2009/04/giant-robot-spider-in-yokohama-pics-video/

[Bamn] Crystal Clear Preview Pages

Artist Jay Payne (Bamn, Dr. Dremo's Spoils of Crime) has officially revealed the following (nearly complete) preview pages for his new comic series entitled Crystal Clear.
The new series (the number of issues is yet to be determined) is about the title character, a promiscuous superheroine who has become a public relations nightmare. Looking to improve her image, her agent calls on a struggling comic book scribe to re-imagine her into a wholesome crusader for truth and justice. They have their work cut out for them.
Jay (with collaborator Kyle Reedy) has been working on Crystal Clear between pages for Bamn, the end result is a colorful and suggestive comic book boy-meets-girl yarn.
Look for it at our tables at the Baltimore Comic Con and The Small Press Expo in the fall!
For information about The Small Press Expo CLICK HERE: http://www.spxpo.com/
For Information about the Baltimore Comic Con CLICK HERE: http://www.comicon.com/baltimore/

Trailer Trash: Avatar

So, there is this movie that you've never heard of...but have. It's the next big project from James "Jimbo" Cameron ("Terminator 2: Judgement Day," "Abyss," "Aliens" and, unfortunately, "Titanic") and it is called "Avatar."
It is not the "The Last Air Bender Movie," but (apparently) a new revolutionary 3D experience. (Note my skepticism).

CLICKITY-CLICK for the more revealing foreign trailer for "Avatar": http://specials.divertissements.fr.msn.com/cinema/avatar/default.aspx

Thanks to Twyst for finding this for me.

Trailer Trash: Thirst

Park Chan-wook (director of the awesome Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance, Lady Vengeance, and Oldboy) has a new film out. It's about Vampires, but I promise it's not the diamond-encrusted, b!tch-@$$ vampires from Twilight.

CLICKITY-CLICK for Chan-wook's THIRST: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODoagpV68gA

Dr. Dremo's Spoils of Crime

Over the last few months, I've been dropping nuggets of information about The Bamn Crew's involvement on the lastest Dr. Dremo's anthology comic. Details were forthcoming, but now I can officially reveal more...

The book, titled "Dr. Dremo's Spoils of Crime," is the third in a series of anthology comics bought to you by The DC Conspiracy (the previous titles we're "Wonders of Science" and "Horrors of War"). Last year, The Bamn Crew joined up with DCC and became part of their cluster of crafty co-conspirators. We have already contributed to one anthology, and we have just put the finishing touches on our second contribution for "Crime."

Originally, I was slated to do the writing and David Dean was scheduled to do the art, but some scheduling conflicts demaded a switch for the creative team. Now, Jay Payne ("Bamn," "Crystal Clear") will be doing the art, and I will be writing (with assist from, "Bamn editor," Ron Cristobal).

The story, titled "Crime =/= Pay," focuses on the current recession and how i's can spill out onto the streets. The story is told through the eyes of Detective Spaulding.

Jay has completely switched his style to suit a crime story, going for less refinement and more roughness. I think the end result will surprise alot of people.

While "Dr. Dremo's Wonders of Science" is currently not available, you can purchase "Dr. Dremo's Horrors of War" (which features a short story by SPC Sergio Estavia, David Dean, and myself) at this LINK: http://store.comixpress.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=1369.

Dr. Dremo's Spoils of Crime makes it's debut at the Small Press Expo in September.

-Troy

Artsy Fartsy: Milk

This week I give you "Milk" from Arizona.
She is a bit elusive and a google search yielded alot of questions about her identity and no answers, with the exception of this one interview.

CLICKITY-CLICK for more of Milk's art: http://www.myspace.com/logyu

Trailer Trash: Surrogates and Whiteout

Sometimes I wonder why it is that fanboys (myself included) get all misshapen when it comes to comic-to-film adaptations. I've always rationalized that the creation of moving pictures has taken such a tyrannical grip on our imaginations that it has become the ultimate medium. As much as I hate to admit, as much as I prefer comics as a vehicle for storytelling, motion picture adaptations --- seeing people act out your thoughts, seeing action unfold the way you saw it in your mind --- is the ultimate complement for a reader and a storyteller.
However (to badly paraphrase Alan Moore), Hollywood can't keep up with the furious imagination of a comics-scribe and a penciller. That's for damn sure.
Let's hope Surrogates and Whiteout (originally, both comic books) fair better than LXG...

CLICKITY-CLICK for the "Surrogates" trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwkkB2aDQM4

CLICKITY-CLICK for the "Whiteout" trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTKygpcq2wk

...And the Small Press Expo!

Last week, The Bamn Crew announced that we would be rolling into the Baltimore Comic Con in October. Well, it appears we will be having a busy 2 weeks --- I neglected to mention that we will also be returning to the Small Press Expo on September 26th thru the 27th of 2009.

We debuted the first issue of Bamn last year at "S.P.X." and will be debuting Jay's solo book "Crystal Clear" this year.

As an added bonus, we are exhibiting under DC Conspiracy, the same people who gave us The Dr. Dremo War Anthology. DC Conspiracy will be debuting their new Dremo book titled "The Spoils of Crime" which contains a short story by David Dean and I (Troy)!

Here is more about SPX from their site:

What: SPX 2009
Where: Bethesda North Marriott Hotel & Conference Center
When: Open to the public Saturday and Sunday, September 26 and 27, 2009.
Times:Saturday: 11:00 am - 7:00 pmSunday: noon - 6:00 pm
Admission: One day memberships: $10.00Weekend memberships: $15.00Collected at the door the day of the show

About the Show
SPX 2009 will be held the weekend of September 26 and 27, 2009 at the Marriott Bethesda North Hotel & Conference Center in Bethesda, MD, just one mile outside the nation’s capital, Washington DC. In its fourteenth year SPX now serves as the preeminent showcase for the exhibition of independent comic books and the discovery of new creative talent.
SPX will bring together over 400 artists and publishers to meet their readers, booksellers, distributors, and each other. SPX will be open to the public September 26ic from 11am Saturday, and run through 7pm that evening. The celebration continues Sunday from noon to 6pm. In addition, expect great programming all weekend long for you to enjoy!
SPX 2009 marks the thirteenth annual presentation of The Ignatz Awards for outstanding achievement in comics and cartooning. The Ignatz, named after George Herriman’s brick-wielding mouse, recognizes outstanding work that challenges popular notions of what comics can achieve, both as an artform and as a means of personal expression. The Ignatz is a festival prize, the first such of the United States comic book industry. Winners will be determined by ballot during SPX and presented at the gala Ignatz Awards ceremony.
As with every year profits from SPX will go to support the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund, protecting the First Amendment rights of comic book readers and professionals.

You can find more about The SPX at their website: http://www.spxpo.com/

003AndroidMassacreSecretTransmission: Big Dog

There is an old proverb that goes “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” Commonly, this term is used by Basketball players and street pharmacist, but what happens when the game switches up on you? The crackheads and Kobe-wannabees don’t realize it yet, but their collective street smarts will mean everything when the Human Game becomes the Android Game…SON!

Rural areas, with their wide-open spaces and minimal places to hide, will be easy pickings for the Nazi-Robot Regime. Many scholars predict that the initial battlelines will be drawn there, ending in a sea of human entrails as the automatons click and whir with every goosestep to the next population. The country-side will quickly become killing fields. It is the major cities that will be safe from the mechanical boot of the Ro3ot0verl0rd!

It is the Urbanites, the same people who have been represented so poorly by the media, that will become our saviors. Their in-depth knowledge of free-running, sewer tunnels, police pursuit, fire escapes,close-combat, weaponry, ever-changing/indecipherable dialogue, home invasion, and improvisational dining will provide the human race with an additional 20 years before extinction (hopefully enough time for the militaries across the world to regroup and end the Android Massacre)!

However, it will not be easy. The game is already changing. Humans in America have foolishly invented “Big Dog,” a 4-legged remote-controlled attack dog that will no doubt break from his human control and be used by the androids to hunt down the city-dwellers hiding in places too small for the 34-7HILT models to access.

It’s getting scarier and scarier everyday, people.

CLICKITY-CLICK FOR BIG DOG: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHJJQ0zNNOM&NR=1

Baltimore Comic Con

It's official! The Bamn Crew will be walking into the Baltimore Comic Con on October 10th thru October 11th of 2009! (Okay, okay...we'll be walking out October 10th and walking back in October 11th). The Baltimore Comic Con is THE biggest comic convention on the East Coast, and we will be joining the wave of independent comic artist peddling their books in "Artist Alley."
Here is more from the Baltimore Comic Con website:

Baltimore Comic-Con Tickets Now Available!

Baltimore, Maryland - August 1, 2009 - Tickets can now be purchased for the 2009 Baltimore Comic-Con in person or online. Tickets to the Baltimore Comic-Con, taking place on Saturday, October 10th and Sunday, October 11th at the Baltimore Convention Center, will be available in person at our store, in person at shows around the country, and on-line.

Cards, Comics, and Collectibles, our retail store, participates in comic-book conventions all over the country, and sells tickets to the Baltimore Comic-Con during our visits. The first show to offer in-person sales of tickets to the Baltimore Comic-Con will be this Sunday, August 2nd at the Capital Associates Comic Convention in Tyson's Corner, VA. Additionally, we will be exhibiting at Wizard World Chicago Comic-Con (Booth 1610), taking place August 6-9, 2009.

In addition to meeting us at you local comic book convention, ticket purchases can be made through Ticketmaster.

For Saturday Tickets, click here!

For Sunday Tickets, click here!

For Weekend (2-Day) Tickets, click here!

As in prior years, you can also purchase your ticket at our retail location Cards, Comics, and Collectibles, located at 100A Chartley Dr., Reisterstown MD 21136. The store hours are M-T: 12pm-6:30pm, W: 2pm-7:30pm, T-F: 12pm-7:30pm, Sa: 11am-7pm, Su: 12pm-5pm.

Please take advantage of the chance to purchase tickets early. If you attended the show last year, you know that we are continuing to grow in size, which resulted in lines both Saturday and Sunday morning of the show. On-site ticket sales are limited by logistics and convention center resources. By purchasing your ticket early, you can avoid having to wait in line to purchase tickets. Instead of standing in another line, you will be able to come on in and meet your favorite artists, writers, and creators!

About The Baltimore Comic-Con
The Baltimore Comic-Con is celebrating its 10th year of bringing the comic book industry to the Baltimore and Washington D.C. area. With a guest list unequaled in the industry, the Baltimore Comic-Con will be held October 10-11, 2009. For more information, please visit www.baltimorecomiccon.com.

CLICKITY-CLICK HERE: http://www.comicon.com/baltimore/

Artsy Fartsy

I may have mentioned this before, but I'm trying to create more content on my blog to force me to update it regularly. One idea I toyed around with is sharing amazing artwork with anyone foolish enough to stumble into this dark alley of illiteracy. (Ok. That's not entirely true. I actually stole the idea from Samax over at Ghetto Manga.)

This new label is going to be called "Artsy Fartsy" and it is intended to brighten your piss-poor workday with pretty pictures. Hopefully, it will be successful.

First up? Deseo (This is not safe for work, unless your job doesn't mind anime boobies): http://www.deseoworks.com/